Autism isn’t an illness.
It is a neurodevelopmental disorder, a life time condition. We’re born with ASD. There’s no cure.
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I was diagnosed at the hospital last year. It is a late diagnosis, usually autism is diagnosed during childhood. In this article, i want to relate my own story.

Something that must be taken into consideration is that autism was mostly studied on men. Women tend to be under diagnosed due to that and to masking. That’s probably why i was diagnosed as an adult. Masking is hiding symptoms/behaviours in order to fit in. Women are more inclined to mask than men due to peer pressure and mental load. It can lead to a loss of identity, anxiety, stress and suicidal thoughts, depression. Somehow, masking came naturally to me, i can’t really tell if i was doing it consciously or not. Masking can also involve mimicking other’s (body) language to avoid being noticeable. It is a way to appear “normal” and also a way to protect ourselves. It can also be mimicking people’s facial expression to look normal. It means i sometimes have to think about it to do smile or laugh for example.

Autism is a spectrum. It means every autistic individual has different autistic traits. When i took the test, i had a score of 40/50 (minimum of 32/50 for men and 22/50 for women). It was pretty obvious that i was in the spectrum. Honestly, i never suspected it because i didn’t know about it. I did see some posts on social media that were strangely accurate but i never connected the dots. What gave the hint to my psychiatrist was when i told him i couldn’t stand green food. Apparently, it is a common trait. I also hate to feel some textures, labels on my clothes, i can’t touch certain things because they would make me either throw up or have anxiety. It’s called sensory issuse.

We’re not “all kinda autistic”. Autism is a spectrum, with several criteria. In order to be diagnosed, one must have several traits and behaviours that have been here for years. It isn’t because you have a headache and nauseas that you’re pregnant. It isn’t because you show some traits during a short period of time that you’re autistic.


In my hospital report, several specific traits were noticed by my therapists/psychiatrists :
– I started walking at 9 months
– I was bilingual very early
– “Obsessed” with cats and Hello Kitty
– Collecting stuff (stones, cards, books, feathers…)
– Specific interests : langues, psychology, makeup, skincare (when i was a kid it was horses, dogs, cats, video games…)
– Constantly counting everything

Socially, I struggle with interacting with other people, it can be hard for me to understand what other think or feel.
I can get uncomfortable in new situations/social events, so i tend to avoid them when i know i can’t control the settings. That’s how i keep my days busy and that’s how i create a routine i can work with. I only go out a few times a week, most of the time i spend it inside working/studying. That’s how i feel the most comfortable.
Going shopping for groceries is also challenging. There are a lot of people, lights, music, movements around me when i’m going in a supermarket. I usually order my groceries to reduce this discomfort, i do go to the supermarket most of the time but i just really hate it. Headphones and music always help here too.

I am hypersensitive. Physically, mentally.
A lot of sounds are triggering. Sirens, loud music, it makes me anxious and it is very disturbing. It’s giving me tinnitus and headaches very quickly. When i’m bothered, it slows down my work, that can trigger me. I reduce this discomfort by using noise cancelling headphones, listening to my music or waves sounds.

Something really simple that’s really challenging for me is to shower. I need to put on music to do it. My brain is overthinking everything, so there’s a clock somewhere in my brain… and it’s counting how many music were played during the task. I conditioned my brain to work with music. While i’m doing the task, i don’t even realise i’m doing it.
What’s actually hard about taking a shower is that i’m very sensitive to cold. I am always cold. I know i’ll have to find like maybe less than a minute for the water to get warm but it’s a very difficult step for me. I do shower however, obviously, but without music, i can’t. I need an anchor in my routine to work with, music does that.

I hate being touched. That means i don’t accept kisses or hugs to say hello/goodbye, especially coming from people i don’t know. Even when i know the person, they usually know and understand i don’t like it, so they don’t do it. In any context, i don’t like being touched. It can happen when i’m in a relationship though, but i need time.

At work, it can be very complicated for me. I have a hard time following instructions, i need to repeat and repeat them if i want to get them right. I am overthinking everything, i am seeing each small detail and it’s somehow distracting me from doing my task. I get overwhelmed pretty quick in an environment i don’t really know, a new job for example. Thankfully, i’m lucky enough to work with people who understand my ASD most of the time, so they don’t push me to do things i’m not comfortable with. Recently, one of the agency i work for told me they’ll find me a position compatible with my ASD. I nearly cried.
I’ve worked with this agency before and i had to do the cloakroom. It was hell for me, because i have a habit of counting everything. It made me go insane, counting every single coat hanger. I told them, and they simply gave me another position that was much more comfortable for me. I am able to work, i just need the right adjustments.

I can experience meltdown due to the sensory overload, that’s why i fear and avoid some situations on purpose. I am aware of my limits and i am careful about my mental health. I need balance, routine, my headphones.

Now if i had to explain how my brain works, i’d say it has little energy that can easily be used up. Each thought, each task, each situation is draining my energy and i need time alone to find balance again. I know i think in a curious way sometimes, i see things other don’t, i’m focused on details. Everything matters and i need to understand it all so i can have peace of mind.

My brain works in mysterious ways, i am still learning to understand it and to live with it. I can’t change it, i need to find a routine so i can have peace of mind. I am aware of how it works for me so i make it work.
Finally, i am still exploring it, i know my weaknesses and i try to turn them into something i can manage. I can deal with things, i just need more time to process. I think, and overthink. I make mistakes. I am clumsy. But i am able to do things. In my way.

I learned that ASD wasn’t a burden. It is a difference, i am different from the norm. However, i am not alone. Other neurodivergent people are here and we can relate to each other, feel less alone.