In this article i will relate my personal history with medications.

2014-2016
The very first medicine i was prescribed, i was 14 y.o. That’s when i got my first medicine. It was Atarax, used as to treat anxiety. I was anxious about school, my personal situation, my private life, everything basically. It was also my first substance abuse. I used to take a lot of these pills, because i got used to them and always needed more. It was making me sleep a lot.
I stopped taking Atarax after a few months.

2016-2017
Then a traumatic event happened in my life and I got prescribed the very infamous Xanax. Xanax is a benzodiazepine used to treat anxiety and depression. It wasn’t my first depression, but it was the first time i had medicines for it specifically. All i can recall from this was that i was very slowed down. I hated it.
Later on, i got prescribed Effexor, which is an antidepressant working on serotonin levels, it’s used to treat anxiety, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. Like with Xanax, i was really slow. Everything was so far away from me, in my mind, it felt like emptiness.
It made my situation worst. Here’s something important about antidepressants medicines : they can make your depression worst and cause suicidal ideas and behaviours. That’s something that needs to be taken into consideration if you start medicines. It can get bad. Really bad. Which is contradictory, they main use is to heal but they can cause so much damages. In my case, it was a terrible depressive episode i got stuck in.

So i stopped taking my meds. Without reducing the dosage daily, as advised. Never do that, always follow the instructions given by your psychiatrist. Sudden withdrawal is hell. There areside effects, such as extreme anxiety.

February to June 2019
I was at the psychiatric hospital for the fist time they misdiagnosed me with depression. At this time, i thought i was bipolar but none of my psychiatrist was listening to what i had to say about it. It was a terrible hospital, i didn’t have a good experience there. I was admitted because i did a Xanax OD. They removed the Xanax and introduced Atarax to replace it. Finally, when i went out, they gave a bunch of meds with very high dosage :
– Prozac : an antidepressant and serotonin inhibitor
– Loxapine : an antipsychotic
– Zoplicone : nonbenzodiazepine used to treat difficulty sleeping
– Lepticur : used to treat shaking caused by the other medicines (side effects)

I was left alone with these meds and it made me even more depressed. I decided to stop taking them one morning, and once again the withdrawal was hell. I did that because i am impulsive, it’s part of my disorders. It’s a terrible decision i’ve made, and i am aware of it. I suffered the consequences for a while, then i got better eventually.

2020
About two years ago, i officially got diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2. My manic episodes were finally taken into consideration, and my new psychiatrist gave me the appropriated medicines.
I started with Seroquel, an atypical antipsychotic. It made me sleep almost 20h every single day. At first, it seemed normal because my brain was getting used to the new molecule, but it never got better. Actually, as the dosage got higher, i slept more and more everyday. When i was awake, i was feeling weak, dizzy, i couldn’t stand up, i could barely eat. These are common side effect. I tried this medicine for two months, but since it didn’t get better, i stopped. This time, i followed the instructions and reduced the dosage slowly. I had no withdrawal symptoms (they can occur even when instructions are followed, it happens, there’s no such thing as zero risk)

After this, i got prescribed Ablify, an atypical antipsychotic. I experienced restlessness, insomnia, headaches. Like for Seroquel, i had to endure these symptoms for a while, waiting for my brain to work with this new molecule. It didn’t work at all. The sides effects were just too hard to live with, so once again i followed the instructions and stopped taking it.

2021
Then, i got prescribed Lamictal (mood stabilizer) . It was the one. The one working without any side effects. It took some time to see a change, which is normal, but i definitely feel better now. I didn’t experience a depressive episode since i started taking it. I did experience some manic episodes, but they were manageable. It wasn’t as extreme as it used to be. I finally have control over my disorders.
To fix my sleep, i got prescribed Olanzapine, an atypical antipsychotic. It also helps with manic symptoms. I recently increased the dosage, as my psychiatrist advised, because i am experienced manic symptoms again. I do feel a difference.
At some point, i didn’t have Olanzapine. Let me tell you it was the worst week end of my life. I couldn’t sleep, walk, stand up. Everything was tiring and i had no energy. It was another sudden withdrawal, but it was involuntary, i just forgot to go to the pharmacy before running out of pills.

2022
I was diagnosed with ADHD recently, about a year ago at the hospital so my psychiatrists introduced me to methylphenidate. It’s called Medikinet (you may know this molecule under the name Ritalin or Adderall) and it’s treating attention deficit disorder. It works on dopamine in the brain and it helps focusing. I should take them daily, but according to my current psychiatrist, it’s not necessarily needed. When i’m home and i’m doing nothing important, i can skip it. However, when i’m working on something or studying, it is extremely needed. I take two of these pills in the morning, and it makes my day easier. I don’t forget things, i’m careful, i take time to properly think.

At the hospital, i also got diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder), my psychiatrist told me there are no proper medications for the disorder, but medicines for the bipolar disorder are actually working to help with this too.

Finally, it’s all about time and balance.
I have history with medicines, with mostly bad experiences but eventually with time and patience, we found a solution. Taking medicines isn’t an easy decision to make, it implies accepting potential side effects and taking the risk that the meds won’t work, or make it worst. The last two psychiatrists i’ve seen were really careful and attentive to my symptoms due to side effects, they made me stop it when i was experiencing side effects. I believe what matters here is how you feel with your psychiatrist. You have to be comfortable, honest and consistent with therapy. When i see my psychiatrist, i unload all of my mental load and he asks questions that make me think again. I can take my time, he is listening and talking when it’s needed.
I believe that everyone can find the need they need. It’s a matter of perception, how you perceive therapy and where you want to go with it. I personally found myself in therapy, i can speak without filters and i don’t feel judged.
I also believe not everyone needs medications. They’re needed in some cases, but it’s not a magic wand. It works with your brain’s alchemy, with physical molecules doing things there. Placebo effect is also something that can be used and it can work on some individuals.
There are other ways to cope, art, therapy, sport, etc. Each individual is unique and what works for me, may not work for another and everyone needs to be aware of that. Taking medications is taking a risk.
I do meditation, i make art… but i still need my medications after all and i am aware of that. I accepted the fate, taking daily pills so i can make it work for me.